Weekend Forecast: 100% Chance of Backgammon

The data is in, the models all agree, and the forecast has not required updating in living memory — one hundred percent chance of backgammon, sustained through Saturday and Sunday, with a strong possibility of a third match pushing into Monday and zero percent chance of that other thing happening instead, whatever it was, whoever suggested it, however reasonable it sounded at the time.

One hundred percent. All weekend. Every weekend. The board is already set — it knew you were coming.